Official White House Toilet Paper

I just read perhaps the most disgusting thing I have ever read in my life. Forget American Psycho. Forget Chuck Palanhiuk. Forget Stephen King or Clive Barker. The new master of American horror is from a man who doesn't read and can barely speak the English language. I'm writing, of course, about our president, George W. Bush.

A month ago, Republican Congressional leaders held a meeting with Bush in the Oval Office to discuss renewal of expiring sections of the USA Patriot Act. Bush was told that pushing for some of these provisions could result in a conservative backlash, and this is what followed (thanks go to The Left Coaster:

“I don’t give a goddamn,” Bush retorted. “I’m the President and the Commander-in-Chief. Do it my way.”

“Mr. President,” one aide in the meeting said. “There is a valid case that the provisions in this law undermine the Constitution.”

“Stop throwing the Constitution in my face,” Bush screamed back. “It’s just a goddamned piece of paper!”

Let me put that down one more time:

“I don’t give a goddamn,” Bush retorted. “I’m the President and the Commander-in-Chief. Do it my way.”

“Mr. President,” one aide in the meeting said. “There is a valid case that the provisions in this law undermine the Constitution.”

“Stop throwing the Constitution in my face,” Bush screamed back. “It’s just a goddamned piece of paper!”

This is how the White House views the most sacred document in this country. The goddamn piece of paper that grants him the rights to say such things. The goddman piece of paper that contains the essence and ideas that he claims to want to spread around the globe. The goddamn piece of paper that he continually says "activist" judges do not adhere to. The goddamn piece of paper that he has sworn to his God to uphold. If he feels this way about this 200-year-old goddamn piece of paper, I wonder what he thinks about the people and the country it is written to protect.

By calling the Constitution, "just a goddamn piece of paper," Bush has belittled this country. He has shown how he really feels about America and the ideas it stands for. No wonder we abduct and torture people. No wonder we invade sovereign nations and impose our will on their people.

The only way George W. Bush would respect the Constitution is if it were green and written by the U.S. Treasury.

Keep Your Eye On The Ball

I just heard that the Red Sox are suing Doug Mientkiewicz for the ball he caught for the last out of the 2004 World Series. This is damn ridiculous!

First of all, if they cared this much about the ball, they should have thought about it that night. Larry Luccino should've gone up to Mientkiewicz in the clubhouse, in front of the video cameras and said, "Doug, that ball is a huge piece of history for us. Can we please have it?" I'm sure he would've given it up at that moment. Do you really think he would've refused in front of the millions of Red Sox fans watching the celebration on tv? If he did refuse, he would've ended up like that Colombian soccer player who scored on his own goal during the World Cup a few years ago, and the ball would've been taken from his cold, dead hands.

Secondly, how can the Red Sox claim it is their ball when the game was played in St. Louis? It seems to me that the Cardinals have more of a claim than the Sox. Hell, doesn't Major League Baseball pay for the baseballs used in the World Series? If so, doesn't it then still belong to MLB?

What happens if the Red Sox win this suit? Any time a player flips a ball into the stands at the end of an inning they are liable to be sued. It is not his ball to give away. But, again, would this mean it is the property of the visiting team?

I don't really think this will make it to court, and even if it does, I don't think the Red Sox have a chance. What will probably happen is the Red Sox will pay Mientkiewicz for it, or "rent" it from him to display in a museum. Or perhaps MLB will get involved and will mediate some sort of agreement where it is put on display in the Hall of Fame.

What is certain, however, is that the Red Sox should be careful of angering the Baseball Gods. Perhaps if they win the ball through the courts they will fall into another championship drought, and it will become known as "The Curse Of Mientkiewicz."